GAFFNEY, OH—Unable to find comparable levels of perspiration among any of the other attendees of the office happy hour, a quick scan of the room confirmed Thursday that area man Drew Robart was, once again, the sweatiest person present. “Well, big surprise, looks like I’m the only person here who’s visibly drenched,” Robart reportedly thought to himself, brushing away the damp hair that was matted to his forehead in order to verify that no one else had dark, wet patches all over their shirt as a result of having sweated entirely through their antiperspirant. “I don’t see anyone else rolling up their sleeves or fanning themselves, and I definitely don’t see pit stains like I’ve got going. Maybe some of these people have sweat accumulating in the small of their back like I do, but I can only assume it’s just me. Yet again.” At press time, Robart was glumly calculating how long it was until summer, when he’d have a slim chance of at least being the second-sweatiest person present.
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