BOULDER, CO—Complaining about the 25-year-old’s superficial choice deviating from society’s standard relationship terminology, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that pretentious woman Louisa Owens chose to continually refer to her slam piece as her “partner.” “Oh, please—Jack’s your ‘partner’ now? Give me a break. Stop trying to sound so woke and sophisticated and just call him your boy toy like the rest of us,” said annoyed bystander Erin Friesen, rolling her eyes as she noted Owens’s refusal to “get down off her high horse” and just refer to her live-in fuck puppet using the normal, commonly accepted terms. “When you first started dating, you said you were so excited to officially call him your bang buddy, and now he’s suddenly your ‘partner?’ Alright, Ms. Gender Studies. What makes your relationship so goddamn important?” Friesen went on to wonder whether, if the couple got married, they would still refer to each other as “partner” or as their fucking nag.
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