Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal

Illustration for article titled Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal

WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8-year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and she just scoffs and says ‘That’s not a real chapter book,’” said playmate Nikki Mustafus, adding that the ostentatious 8-year-old even dismissed perennial classics such as The BFG or The Boxcar Children if they haven’t won children’s literature’s highest honor. “The other day I tried to get her to read How To Eat Fried Worms, but she claimed garbage like that was for the unwashed masses who probably wouldn’t appreciate the subtle genius of Walk Two Moons. I’m hoping that when she gets a little older she’ll realize that art is subjective and its quality isn’t determined by some anonymous, smoke-filled room full of library administrators.” Mustafas confirmed that DeCateur was even worse when it came to cinema, absolutely refusing to watch any animated movies that were released after 2014.

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