Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals

NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed complacency and a sense of self-importance wildly beyond his years as he rounded up plush monkeys, teddy bears, Elmo, and dozens of other toys, then made them sit in rows for multiple hours as he pontificated about a wildly impractical idea to build a wooden railroad across the kitchen floor that had just occurred to him that morning and which he hadn’t fleshed out in the slightest. Sources further confirmed that on multiple occasions, the boy modulated his voice to ask a question as one of the female elephant attending the meeting before cutting her off and repeating a less coherent version of the same idea as though he himself had just thought of it, showing off his preternatural gifts for micromanagement and wasting his subordinates’ time as he distributed crayon-drawn pictures of his vague future expectations for playtime that he had already voiced numerous times before. The preschool-aged wunderkind then reportedly paused to take a heated call from an owl on his Vtech Kids Smartphone in front of the entire meeting, displaying a rare combination of natural thoughtlessness and quickness to anger that will serve him well as a corporate executive, before informing the assembled stuffed animals that he was very busy when his real plan was to sit on the couch and watch Sesame Street. At press time, the gifted 5-year-old had cemented his place among the nation’s future business leaders by reaming out a push penguin for poor job performance in front of everyone and telling it that it had better be off the premises by snack time.

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