NEWTON, MA—Lamenting that his final moments on this Earthly realm were spent alone with his sister’s “worthless-assed kid,” local man Walter Perkins told reporters Wednesday that his poignant dying words were wasted on his dumb-shit nephew. “Oh, great, I come up with this profound final speech about finding life’s meaning in one another and I throw it away on this little prick,” said Perkins, whose sage advice about accessing happiness, finding one’s true purpose, and learning to love with abandon would now fall on the ears of Jared, who spent his uncle’s last few seconds “sitting there slack-jawed,” intermittently interjecting the semantically empty linguistic fillers “right,” “uh huh,” and “word.” “This stuff is clearly going way over his head because I had this heartfelt and honest explanation of why I’m not afraid of dying, and he just nods with that stupid open-mouthed grin and says ‘cool, Uncle Walt.’ Christ. I told him to tell my daughter I loved her, and he fucking texted her.” As of press time, Perkins had realized his nephew was a fitting recipient for his dying thoughts after further reflection revealed his last words were, in point of fact, kind of shitty.


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