PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start. “Well, I’m not even three days into giving optimism a shot, and it already sucks,” said McKessy, adding that her plan to live in the moment and give people the benefit of the doubt was probably a hopelessly naïve idea to begin with and that a smarter, less awful person would have realized this from the very beginning. “I can’t believe how quickly keeping things in perspective has gotten fucking unbearable. I mean, maybe I should feel proud that a fuck-up like me has even lasted 72 hours with a positive attitude, but there’s no way I’m missing out on an opportunity to feel like shit.” At press time McKessy’s revised plan to complain to everyone she knows was off to an excellent start.

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