MCALLEN, TX—Expressing frustration with the migrant child’s sense of entitlement, ICE authorities confirmed Monday that picky Honduran refugee Blanca Diaz just expected to be reunited with the exact same family she had before. “We’re already letting you go, and now you think you deserve special treatment and will just be automatically paired with whichever parents you want? Jesus, there’s just no pleasing some people,” said ICE agent Patrick Buecker of the 5-year-old girl who, after being forcibly separated from her parents and sisters at the border, was now “making such a huge deal” about the precise names, ages, and nationalities of the family members with whom she wished to rejoin. “We gave her a perfectly good mother and father and some siblings. They even spoke Spanish, but she just couldn’t let it go that they happened to be from El Salvador. Come on, don’t be such a diva—you’re never going to be happy with such ridiculously high standards.” At press time, Buecker was attempting to appease Diaz by throwing in an extra baby brother if she agreed to just take what was offered to her.

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