ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sources reported. “Kyle’s a real freak—he’ll just sneak up to his parents’ bed wearing nothing but his pajamas while they’re sound asleep, and then just flat-out beg to spend the entire night under the covers with them,” said the boy’s uncle Carl Rogers, adding that the deviant kindergartener also insists that his parents assume his favorite positions on either side of him. “The thing is, if his parents aren’t into it, he’ll immediately start pleading and bargaining to try to find any way he can to satisfy his depraved cravings. And this is really fucked up: Sometimes he’ll even request that the family dog, Oscar, get into the mix and sleep with all of them. It’s sick. Just sick.” Rogers confirmed that this is not the only debauched predilection his nephew has exhibited, adding that the child frequently forces his parents into a humiliating sadistic ritual in which they must kiss small wounds on his body before bandaging them.
More from The Onion