BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets himself tear up when he’s sad instead of yelling at his kid to knock it the hell off?” said sources close to Chinowski, adding that, when overwhelmed, the timid weakling was more likely to retreat to his bedroom and muffle his sobs in a pillow than lash out at his wife and son before smashing his plate into the trash in an impressive display of dominance. “It’s the sort of parenting that will just make his son grow up into another castrated wuss like him. Pretty soon, this kid is going to honestly believe that screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs and punching the wall until your knuckles are bloody isn’t the best way to deal with your anger. It’s a vicious goddamn cycle.” At press time, the effete male was spotted backing down to another father’s request that they let the children have a playdate at his house rather than beating the fellow parent to a pulp on the sidewalk to regain his status as an alpha male.
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