ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough for retirement, and received the long-awaited news that he’s going to be a grandfather, that’s when I’m really going to let him have it,” the degenerative disorder said of its forthcoming attack on the man whose career and relationships have had their ups and downs over the decades but who will soon put a down payment on the lake house where he has long dreamed of spending his golden years with the love of his life. “As soon as he’s made it to a point where, for the very first time, he finally feels at peace, finally feels able to enjoy himself and even just be himself—at that exact instant, I’ll start killing off the cells in his basal ganglia and absolutely laying waste to his central nervous system. Until then, however, I’m willing to wait patiently, just lying here dormant in his DNA without anyone suspecting a thing.” The Parkinson’s gene went on to state that it would also be willing to activate immediately if Madbury were ever to lose his health insurance.
More from The Onion