CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program. “I remember when he was only 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and now he’s shot up to 50 pounds of hard, lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him,” said first-time mother Zeitz, contrasting the days when her newborn child “couldn’t even support the weight of his own head” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him. “It’s crazy. One day he’s crawling around on the floor, and the next he’s box-jumping onto the fridge. I remember when he was just a chubby, cuddly little guy, and now he’s absolutely shredded. Everyone tells you they get swole so fast, but I guess I had to see it for myself to believe it. Now, all we have to do is find a preschool with a good body-sculpting program.” At press time, a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video of Payton saying the word “creatine” for the first time.

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