Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History

Illustration for article titled Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History

BOZEMAN, MT—Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet, is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man David Markopolous, from committing one of the deadliest acts in U.S. history. According to sources, the 1.3-ounce budgie, who appears to do little more than hop around his cage and occasionally squawk for food, unwittingly provides the 46-year-old accountant with the minimum amount of camaraderie required to prevent him from masterminding the most ghastly, unspeakable crime ever carried out by a lone actor on American soil. The blue and white long-tailed parakeet reportedly has no idea that every minute his owner spends feeding him, cleaning his cage, or gently stroking his downy head with a single finger is another minute not spent meticulously plotting a mass-casualty event that would haunt the public consciousness for decades. As he munches seeds and grinds away at his cuttlebone, sources said the otherwise ordinary house pet is all that stands between peace and a terrible bloodbath that, through its sheer scale and the unexpectedness of its target, would forever alter a nation, its people, and their way of life. At press time, reports indicated Markopolous was distraught after discovering Java’s lifeless body on the floor of his cage and had immediately set out on what he would only describe as “an initial supply run.”