ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I turned to start with,” said the 12-year-old nocturnal raptor, who attributed his dilemma to spinning his head too quickly after being spooked by a passing flock of geese. “Okay, okay, what if I just move the bottom half of my body? Fuck! Fuck, that hurt. Geez, it looks like I’m stuck this way until my wife gets home.” At press time, the owl had crash-landed in the dirt after attempting to flip his head upside down while perched on a juniper tree.

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