‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samples

WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get put on free sample duty all my problems would go away, but once I got sausages I realized that true success is running the cheese station,” said Fairbanks as she stood beside the mostly untouched tray of bite-sized pieces of Libby’s brand Vienna sausages, each set in an individual serving cup and skewered with a toothpick. “Aisle 26 right between housewares and dairy—that’s where the real action is. If I could just get my foot in there and work my way up to running the Hillshire Farm spread, I could finally relax and enjoy everything I’ve worked for. Having a line of smiling customers waiting for you to offer them a selection of aged goudas or extra sharp cheddars has got to feel like a million bucks.” At press time, a dejected Fairbanks confirmed that she was trying to make the best of her stagnating career by accepting a lateral promotion to passing out Nature Valley granola bars.

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