Illustration for article titled ‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samplesem/em

WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get put on free sample duty all my problems would go away, but once I got sausages I realized that true success is running the cheese station,” said Fairbanks as she stood beside the mostly untouched tray of bite-sized pieces of Libby’s brand Vienna sausages, each set in an individual serving cup and skewered with a toothpick. “Aisle 26 right between housewares and dairy—that’s where the real action is. If I could just get my foot in there and work my way up to running the Hillshire Farm spread, I could finally relax and enjoy everything I’ve worked for. Having a line of smiling customers waiting for you to offer them a selection of aged goudas or extra sharp cheddars has got to feel like a million bucks.” At press time, a dejected Fairbanks confirmed that she was trying to make the best of her stagnating career by accepting a lateral promotion to passing out Nature Valley granola bars.


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