DENVER, CO—Finding themselves unable to explain the mystery woman’s presence in the lunchroom, grade-school sources confirmed Tuesday that older cafeteria monitor Esther Lowry was not a teacher or parent or anything. “Mrs. Makings volunteers in our classroom sometimes because she’s Josh’s mom, but Mrs. Lowry is here every day and she’s not even anyone’s grandma, so maybe this is her job,” said mystified first-grader Koby Zeiff, noting that the elderly woman once yelled at him for running, and therefore may work for the school despite not having any familial connections to anyone at Desert Springs Elementary. “All the other grown-ups here are teachers or helpers, so she must have, like, tried for this job. She got pretty mad when Hannah threw her sandwich on the floor last week, so she’s kind of acting like a teacher. Maybe she wants to be a teacher? It’s just weird. She doesn’t seem to like kids all that much.” Upon being contacted, school officials said they did not know where Mrs. Lowry came from either.

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