CINCINNATI—In what could not be a more obvious attempt to improve his physical condition, a nutritious lunch brought from home by middle-aged coworker Phil Schutt broadcast his recent health scare loud and clear, sources reported Monday. “Wow, Phil must have had a real shock to bring that steamed fish and spinach for lunch,” said coworker Josh Leibman, noticing clear as day how quickly Schutt switched from going out for greasy burritos and bacon burgers to packing a small tupperware container of quinoa salad. “The only explanation is that he got some really bad news from his doctor that made him realize he needed to get his act together in a hurry. You see him snacking on a Ziploc bag of carrot sticks instead of getting his usual two bags of Fritos from the vending machine, and you just know he’s freaking out about wanting to be around to see his kids grow up.” At press time, Schutt’s decision to pass up leftover donuts in the break room cemented suspicions that he probably would’ve been dead in two weeks.

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