PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in the middle of the greatest disease outbreak in a lifetime, and this woman has the goddamn gall to dress up with her favorite cartoon mutt on her scrubs,” said anonymous hospital sources, noting that the callous medical worker probably also tap dances around the intensive care unit in her lilac-covered face mask while whistling Vince Guaraldi “Charlie Brown Theme” given how much of a blast she was apparently having with the ongoing global health crisis. “Here’s an idea: Why don’t you show your fun little flower mask to your patient? That’ll lift him up. Oh wait, he’s struggling with an acute respiratory illness, you heartless monster. What the hell is wrong with you?” At press time, sources had agreed that it would be far more appropriate for Witters to wear black scrubs and a mourning veil during her 16-hour double shifts.
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