Illustration for article titled ‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes

ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this to me?” Ferguson pleaded, as her hands, evidently compelled by impulses far beyond her control, typed “Megan Simmons Ohio State Conde Nast Publishing” into the search bar and opened the Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and LinkedIn of her current boyfriend’s attractive red-headed former girlfriend into multiple tabs. “No. No. No, please, please stop clicking—we’re already back to 2014, you monsters! Ben looks so happy—please, close this window. Is this from a photo booth? They’re...they’re so... cute together. No, not the bikini picture! I can’t take this. Wait, are you commenting? Why would you leave a comment? Does that say ‘bitch?’ Why would you do that? Oh, God, please, I beg you to stop.” At press time, Ferguson’s hands had turned their aggression to Ferguson herself, slapping her several times briskly across the face.


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