SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school. “Everything you thought you knew about Caleb is wrong, because I’m a whole new Caleb this year,” Burgess reportedly said to himself, smirking as he popped the collar of his polo shirt and attempted to spike his hair as he walked through the halls of his school. “This year is all about Caleb. Look out, Whitcomb Middle School, because this is a Caleb you’ve never seen before.” At press time, several sources confirmed that Caleb had been called a “faggy little bitch” and forcefully shoved into a painted cinder-block wall.