SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Terrified that their greatest fear has become a disgusting reality, new parents Melanie and Abe Bloom confirmed Monday that their newborn son Levi is, in fact, the type of baby who shits. “We had hoped that Levi would have a recessive shitting gene, and when that turned out not to be the case, we thought perhaps his incessant shitting was a birth trauma thing that would subside after the first three weeks, but no matter what we do, he simply won’t stop. It’s horrible,” said the infant’s mother, adding that their son’s virtual fecal hose runs at full volume regardless of whether he breastfeeds or takes formula, even when the child is just napping. “I guess I’m not completely surprised, considering we waited so long to have children, but for us, adapting to a baby who shits has been an ordeal. I’m told that plenty of people who shat constantly and uncontrollably as children have grown up to lead perfectly normal lives, but given where we’re at right now, I don’t know. Levi’s father shits, too, so we assume that’s where he gets it from, but I’ve made appointments with a number of pediatric specialists because this is just really gross.” At press time, the couple was trying to conceive again in order to have a normal baby.

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