WASHINGTON—Suggesting a modest overall turnout by the populace, a new Gallup poll released Monday found that 40 percent of Americans were probably going to skip Michelle’s party. “When asked if they were going to stop by Michelle’s later, four in 10 citizens said they either had no plans to go or had thought about going but probably wouldn’t in the end,” said lead researcher Stephanie Piehl, adding that nearly half of those who said they would not attend, including the majority of respondents in Alaska and Hawaii, attributed their decision to how far out of the way Michelle’s apartment is and the fact that her last party kind of sucked. “Additionally, 13 percent said they had other things to do, 6 percent cited the high cost of a Lyft to her place, and 2 percent said things were a little awkward between them and Michelle right now. Interestingly, however, many of those who said that they would not turn up at Michelle’s party indicated that they might change their mind if Bethany was going, too.” At press time, 192,000,000 guests had shown up at Michelle’s place, though many said they had swung by for just one drink.
More from The Onion