Neighborhood Kids Grant Landmark Status To House Where Guy Killed Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Granting it the same distinction as the playground where a third-grader stepped on a huge needle and the community swimming pool where someone dove in and broke his neck, neighborhood sources confirmed Wednesday that the grade-schoolers residing in the Acorn Hills subdivision had awarded landmark status to the house on Birch Street where a guy killed himself. “He blew his head off right there on the second floor,” said 11-year-old Alex Novak, pointing toward a window of the newly designated civic monument before a crowd of peers, who had gathered outside the residence to listen to knowledgeable sources offer prepared remarks about the site and its local significance. “I heard that they couldn’t get all the brains off the walls, so they had to repaint the whole thing. The guy owed a lot of money to the mob or something.” At press time, several members of the afternoon visitor group had rung the doorbell of the newly christened landmark and torn off.

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