WASHINGTON—Americans across the country admitted Monday that although they desperately wanted corporate lawyer Alex Saunders, 28, to be a huge creep, Christ, he's actually a super fucking nice guy. "I wanted to hate him, because he's so confident and has perfect hair and this handsome face you want to punch in, but, shit, he's just really awesome and friendly," said Houston resident Craig Diedrich, echoing the disappointment of 300 million other Americans. "Turns out he's also really great to his girlfriend. And even though she's so fucking gorgeous that she seems unapproachable, she's really nice, too. Goddamn it." The majority of the nation said that after talking to Saunders for five minutes they wanted to buy him a drink, but the successful lawyer had reportedly disappeared, only to return a few minutes later with a whole goddamned round of drinks for everyone.
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