NEWPORT, RI—Succumbing to his submissive nature as his will crumbled in time to the insistence of the beat, a weak man was reportedly compelled to dance Saturday by nothing more than the power of music. In a display of pathetic surrender, the man was seen by all in attendance to prance and caper along with each note, much as a mere animal submits to its master. Eyewitness accounts indicated that, once the man sensed the bass had been dropped, he relinquished any command of his own body, making no attempt to sit stone-faced and removed from musical compulsion, as a stronger man would certainly do. DJ booth observers also noted that the man appeared to actually enjoy the loss of control, laughing and showing no signs of shame as he joined the pulsing throng without any apparent second thoughts. When last seen, the self-conscripted slave to the rhythm—perhaps no longer able to keep the shame of his melodic servitude to himself—was dancing with an equally weak-willed woman.

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