COLUMBIA, SC—Satisfied that she took great pains to ensure her son met every outward description of an upstanding citizen, mother Molly Fitzgerald told reporters Thursday she was proud to have raised the type of young man no one would ever believe capable of raping someone. “No one will ever worry about Tyler acting up at a frat party, harassing his coworkers, or misbehaving on a date because I’ve carefully raised him to meet society’s expectations of a man who simply doesn’t do those things,” said Fitzgerald, who always made sure her son affected a clean-cut appearance while pursuing a prestigious and lucrative career so that, furthermore, it would be assumed he would not ever need to coerce women into sex. “I always made sure he was polite and said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ because I know how important it is for other people to think of him as a nice guy and that any girl who might speak out against him is just making things up. I know, I know, sometimes Tyler thought I was being too hard on him growing up, but someday, maybe the morning after an office party or giving the babysitter a ride home, he’ll look back and appreciate that I raised him to get away with doing absolutely anything he wants.” Fitzgerald also expressed pride that her son sought out the friendship and company of other men who had been raised to treat women with respect in any situation where there are witnesses.

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