Illustration for article titled Mom Scanning Menu Finds ‘Pan-Seared Diver Scallops’ Faster Than Speed Of Light

PITTSBURGH—Defying the most fundamental laws of physics as she zeroed in on the menu item’s one-line description, mother of three Joyce Loflin located local bistro Sandrine’s pan-seared diver scallops faster than the speed of light Tuesday evening, family sources reported. “Ooh, pan-seared diver scallops—that sounds good!” the 56-year-old said within mere fractions of a nanosecond of opening the restaurant’s menu, challenging the very underpinnings of Einstein’s special theory of relativity by reacting to the additional words “parsnip puree and port wine demi-glace” with a contented “Mmm” well before the light reflecting off the entrée section’s text had reached her retinas and been processed into visual information. “Oh, wow, it comes with seasonal vegetable risotto. Yum!” At press time, the family reported hearing a deafening sonic boom as Loflin broke the sound barrier turning her head toward a waiter walking past the table with a dish of crème brûlée.

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