SALEM, OR—Wistfully recalling the hours spent running and jumping around the machine’s high-powered, motorized blades, local mother Jessica Halpern told reporters Friday she missed the good old days when you could let kids run free on a thresher without supervision. “I remember growing up, there wasn’t always an adult around—in fact, my friends and I would spend our days playing on grain threshers, swathers, and combine harvesters without our parents keeping an eye on us, all day and all night,” said Halpern, adding that yes, sometimes kids would get sucked into the machine, but that’s the kind of thing that just builds character. “Back in the day, you were independent and looked out for yourself, and if you got shredded to bloody ribbons in a farm equipment accident, so be it. Now, children are just so coddled, with their cell phones and their location tracking. Let them fall into the feed tray and have their bones crushed by the spike-tooth cylinder once or twice. It’s the only way they’ll learn!” Halpern added that every mother who screams and cries about their child’s “severe musculoskeletal injuries” was just being an overdramatic helicopter parent.