LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with traffic—so even if you don’t have to jerk off right this second, you should at least try,” said Curran, hoping to avoid a repeat of their last trip when they barely managed to pull off I-39 in time for her youngest to blow his load into a ditch. “I know you say you just cranked one out, but you say that every time. Please just go and pleasure yourself now so we don’t find ourselves desperately looking for an exit with a Denny’s that will let you jack it without buying anything first.” Curran went on to fault her husband for letting the kids watch so much porn with breakfast.

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