Illustration for article titled Mom Guesses Dressbarn Closure Means She’ll Just Have To Go Shop With All The Sluts Over At Chico’s Now

HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m trying to buy a flowy maxi dress or thigh-length cardigan,” said Bell, looking aghast as she scanned the Chico’s website for flattering blouses that wouldn’t “leave my tits popping out all over the place.” “Tank tops, leopard-print ponchos, high-waisted palazzo pants; what am I, some red-mouthed whore? That floozy Kathleen Meyer and her wino friends all shop at Chico’s, and they’re always whoring up the Rotary Club meetings. I can’t let anyone see me shopping there or they’ll think I’m one of those tarts.” At press time, Bell had returned from Talbots empty handed, announcing she wasn’t about to spend $200 to dress like grandma.

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