Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden

Illustration for article titled Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden

GLENCOE, IL—Howling in the parking lot hours before the scheduled 8 a.m. opening time, a mob of rowdy mothers bum-rushed the Chicago Botanic Garden, shaken witnesses reported Sunday. “It was still dark when they showed up, hundreds of them—they were just throwing their bodies against the gate like animals,” said groundskeeper Walter Morse, adding that when the entrance proved too narrow for the surge of moms streaming onto the garden grounds, the horde simply clawed through nearby topiary hedges and had within minutes swarmed every path of the bulb garden, with several fistfights reportedly breaking out over prime photo spots in front of the tulip beds. “We tried to hold them back, but as soon as they got that first whiff of hydrangea, there was no controlling them. After a while, we could only watch and hope the Japanese garden would still be there when the moms finally left for brunch. We thought we’d have time to at least secure the gift shop because they’d stop there at the end of their rampage, but by the time we arrived, the door had already been kicked down, and every logo tote bag and lavender sachet was either gone or torn to pieces.” At press time, the mob had mostly dispersed, allowing paramedics to finally retrieve the mother who had been trampled and lay face-down in a field of bluebells.