MIDDLEBURY, VT—Following in the hallowed and time-honored civic footsteps of their forefathers, Middlebury town council members continued the 242-year tradition of American democracy Monday with 4-1 vote in favor of rezoning a residential lot to accommodate a new Popeyes Chicken franchise. “I’m always happy to support local businesses, but this new Popeyes would dramatically increase traffic along Route 22, which is already backed up as it is,” said city councillor Ben Calvi, exercising his inalienable right to stand against the majority and, in the process, doing his part to write the next chapter in the story of American freedom. “That intersection already takes forever to get through, and it’s going to be way too busy now.” At press time, experts on constitutional law heaped praise on the newly opened Popeyes in a tradition whose roots reach back over 25 centuries to Solon of Athens.

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