Middle School Janitor Can Already Tell He Going To Have To Befriend New Kid

PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s sitting all alone at the lunch table, so you just know I’ll eventually be forced to forge a friendship with him,” said DeWalt of the 12-year-old outcast who has been spotted reading in a bathroom stall and hanging out on the school grounds by himself after dismissal. “I could really use a semester to myself, especially with what I had to go through to get [previous sad sack] Mitch Lawrence to graduate. Why can’t the lunch lady take a turn befriending the big nerds?” At press time, DeWalt approached the student, leaned on his mop, and said, “You’re looking pretty glum, son.” 


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