LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises with his hands. “Having practiced so many times at home, I felt fairly confident going in, but honestly, I was still a little nervous,” said Foster, who carefully wiped just enough sweat from his palms to ensure an entertainingly accurate recreation of human flatulence. “When I saw Rebecca start to smile and lean in close, I thought, all right, this is the moment, this is what she wants right now. I considered slipping my hand into my armpit, but then that slow song started to play and I somehow sensed that even though it was far more difficult, I had to make those quieter squeaky farts using my hands, just for the two of us.” At press time, Saunders was seen on the other side of the gymnasium making out with someone else.
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