SAN JOSE, CA—Fearing that he would otherwise be stuck sorting through his friends’ wad of bills and credit cards, sources confirmed Thursday night that local man Derek Mixon downplayed his mathematical abilities to avoid the task of calculating how to split that evening’s dinner check. “Oh, I’ve never been good at this stuff,” said the college graduate, who, despite reportedly having a firm understanding of the basic principles of arithmetic, suggested to those around him that he was unqualified to factor in tax and tip and tabulate what each individual needed to contribute to the bill. “Somebody else should do it. I don’t want to mess it up.” Sources confirmed that, after being told how much he owed, Mixon abandoned the facade of mathematical incompetence and reminded everyone at the table that he should pay $4 less as he did not eat any of the appetizers.
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