OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me with that candy bar,” said Markell, reluctantly admitting that “it probably wasn’t the sexiest thing to hear me wail ‘Oh no! I’m stuck! Go get some grease, honey!’ when she picked up her work phone that afternoon.” “Ever since the incident, she just looks at me differently somehow. I know it’s kind of emasculating to have the neighborhood kids paint my face with a roller, but I thought Dana was bigger than this. Plus, she keeps bringing up other guys who didn’t get their heads stuck in fences, and here I was, thinking love was supposed to conquer all.” Markell has vowed to rekindle the spark in his relationship with Dana immediately after he frees his hindquarters from the bucket he has since fallen backwards into.
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