‘I Might Enjoy Perusing Such A Thing,’ Man Muses

DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It would be most pleasing indeed to view such a webpage, if one does in fact exist, as it would allow me to view two or perhaps more individuals caught in flagrante delicto by the unblinking eye of the lens while engaging in various carnal recreation,” said Mitchell, reasoning that the internet was a vast place catering to, among others, collectors of Pez dispensers, scribes dedicated exclusively to Golden Girls fan-fiction, automobile enthusiasts, and even more picayune and peculiar fancies, and thus there surely must be erotic outlets available to a man such as he. “Mayhap if one endeavors to Google the term ‘sex,’ some example or other may come up, a central pornographic clearinghouse, stockist, or shall I say ‘hub,’ if you will. Certainly, the world must hold other souls who, as I do, seek the fleshier pleasures.” After a remarkably brief and uncomplicated search did in fact reveal to him a website of the most frank and forthright sexual nature, Mitchell realized that it did not, in fact, delight him in the slightest.

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