Illustration for article titled Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animationem/em

UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation. “Jesus...I just wanted to play a nice game of cards...what’s happening to me?” said Halko, who had thick, dark streams of blood flowing from his nose and ears as the software’s rapidly blinking “You did it!” popup caused him to retch between pained pleas of, “Christ, make it stop; please, for the love of God, make it stop,” that were then instantly drowned out by ear-splitting explosions as a dazzling array of multi-colored fireworks suddenly burst across his monitor. “I’m clicking and clicking, why is nothing happening? Goddammit, how do I get out of this? Why did I ever add that nine of spades to the first column! Why, oh, why! Oh, God, I think I’m gonna throw up.” At press time, Halko was finally at peace after succumbing to internal hemorrhaging.


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