BOSTON—Upon reviewing his public profile on the dating website OKCupid, local man Malcolm Lighty, 34, told reporters Thursday that he had decided to omit the fact that he has profound and irresolvable psychological and emotional problems. “I didn’t want to include anything too personal, like the deep-seated mental issues that have always prevented me from connecting with another human being,” said Lighty, who reportedly concluded it was “best not to mention” that he is a seriously troubled man in need of professional help. “These profiles are just meant to introduce us, anyway. Later, we can get into the parts of my personality—like how my mother and father’s lack of empathy forever stunted my emotional development, and how I have a pathological fear of sexual intercourse—that get in the way of having meaningful relationships with women. For now, I’m just keeping things short and sweet.” Lighty later confirmed that he had been matched up with Kelly Caldwell, a woman who reportedly left off her profile that she is extremely attracted to damaged, unhinged men.
More from The Onion