CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said Paulsen, marveling as he witnessed the $1.2 billion military communications satellite rise into the atmosphere and out of sight, and realizing that the shortsightedness of the endeavor was far greater than anything that he could have previously imagined. “Just 10 years ago, the idea of the president of the United States creating an army to fight in space was inconceivable. It’s amazing that the world’s top dumbasses could come together to achieve something no one thought was possible or necessary. Gee, I don’t even know what to say. This just goes to show how willfully stupid people—no, an entire nation—can be.” At press time, Paulsen was reminding himself that no matter how bad the coming days got, the country could always count on their sheer idiocy.
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