Man Throws Open Doors Of Refrigerator Like Feudal Lord Entering Balcony To Gaze Upon Realm

Illustration for article titled Man Throws Open Doors Of Refrigerator Like Feudal Lord Entering Balcony To Gaze Upon Realm

APPLETON, WI—Stepping triumphantly forward to take in all things that are his on the glass shelves, local man Merle Shappowitz reportedly threw open the doors of his refrigerator Friday like a feudal lord standing on a balcony overlooking his realm. According to sources, the noble calmly gazed upon his mighty steak leftovers and plentiful collection of half-used condiments as if determining the readiness of his troops. With the abrupt yet judicious ruling of a great king, Shappowitz reportedly banished a spoiled carton of milk to the depths of the trash can like a lowly courtier being sent to his death for treason. At press time, accounts confirmed Shappowitz had retired to his room, delicately carrying a bowl of cold chili like a fair maiden of his kingdom.