COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he felt awful that he was upsetting those close to him, local 35-year-old Jared Cantor reportedly arrived at the mistaken impression Tuesday that people care enough about him to be let down by his personal failures. “My friends and family expect a lot from me, and I’m deeply disappointed that I didn’t live up to their hopes,” said Cantor, who somehow believed that others in his life had invested enough emotional energy in him to be disappointed by his recent breakup with his girlfriend of two years and the fact that he was recently passed over for a promotion at work. “I know I’ve made some mistakes and had some bad luck, but I don’t want anyone worrying that I need their help. Everyone’s already got their own problems to deal with, so the last thing I want is people feeling sorry for me.” At press time, Cantor was reportedly taking comfort in the erroneous idea that those around him would remember his past successes and were actively rooting for him to make good.

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