ABBOTSFORD, WI—Shaking his head in stunned wonderment at all he had attained despite his many failings, 32-year-old Greg Langley told reporters Thursday that he still could not believe that he was no longer a virgin. “It’s been more than a decade since I first slept with a woman, and I still can’t fathom how or why that could have possibly happened,” said the deflowered network engineer, who marveled at the fact that a woman had somehow found him—a scrawny man with virtually no redeeming physical or intellectual traits—to be a worthy partner for sexual intercourse. “It just doesn’t make sense. Every time I think about that night, I think to myself, ‘No, Greg, that must have been a beautiful dream you had. You’re still the same old virgin you were way back in 2008.’ But the thing is that it wasn’t a dream. I really had sex with a woman. It’s absolutely stunning.” Langley emphasized that paying for the evening in no way diminished his shock that it had happened at all.
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