CHICAGO—Establishing a grueling pace he will be unable to keep up indefinitely, local man Gabe Fellman has set an unsustainable precedent of saying hello to his coworker every morning, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Kyle,” Fellman said as he casually made his way to his desk, attempting to abide by the impossible standard for as long as he and his colleague are both employed at the same digital marketing firm. “Have a good day, man.” Reports later confirmed that Fellman had given up saying hello to his coworker in less than two weeks and was now on the verge of eliminating eye contact.


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