CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch. “Who cares?” Dunedin said before putting on his jacket and leaving his office for a nearby sandwich shop. “It’s almost 11 o’clock, and I’m hungry. Do I give a flying fuck that it’s still morning? No, I do not. I’m getting food right now, and no one can do a goddamn thing to stop me.” According to sources, at 1:35 p.m. Dunedin had determined that, fuck it, if his coworkers were heading out, there was no reason he couldn’t join them and eat lunch again.
More from The Onion