LANCASTER, PA—Saying it was a struggle to keep them open at all amidst all the tedium, local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just completely zone out,” Meehan said in reference to any of the bills circulating through Congress that would consign him to spending his days toiling away to generate profit for others with no chance of ever accumulating wealth of his own. “They just drone on and on about about how they’re going to trap me in an endless cycle of wage labor and make sure I have no hope for prosperity in my lifetime. It’s just, like, ‘Enough already.’ Christ, we get it.” At press time, Meehan had begun spacing out mere moments into the announcement from GOP leaders that their proposed tax legislation had cleared another hurdle to passing.

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