CHICAGO—Despite never once using his supposed people-pleasing nature to help another person, support anyone, or validate someone’s feelings, Chicago resident Ryan McCormack’s crippling, overpowering need to be liked apparently doesn’t affect his behavior, sources confirmed Tuesday. A constant, intrusive voice in the 27-year-old’s head reportedly urges McCormack to be a more likable person, but in the instances when he does so, it has invariably turned out to be a ploy to maximize that likability to his own benefit. Those who have regular dealings with him said that one would think a person as self-conscious as McCormack, who overanalyzes his every action and strives to come across as decent and laidback, would have learned how not to present such a universally irritating conversational style coupled with a dreadfully dull demeanor. While McCormack does, in fact, exhibit every sign of a man suffering overwhelming fears of being judged by his friends, family, and coworkers, no casual observer would guess it based on how little effort he takes to be nice, friendly, or enjoyable to be around. Moreover, sources agree, McCormack’s debilitating anxiety about making a first impression upon strangers seems to be kept carefully at bay, as he doesn’t appear to have sufficient motivation to develop a remotely interesting personality, achieve anything slightly memorable, or learn how to socialize competently. However, sources confirmed that McCormack does allow his insatiable need to burden others with his presence to inform his attendance of nearly all available social events.

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