Illustration for article titled Man Remembers It Summer Solstice After Noticing Group Of Pagans Fucking In Ring Of Fire On Way To Work

TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it was the summer solstice Friday after noticing a group of pagans fucking in a ring of fire while walking to work. “Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the midsummer until I smelled the scent of rendered goat fat in the air and saw a bunch of worshippers writhing around a bonfire in a feast of flesh,” said Garrison, adding that he had been confused when he stumbled onto an ornamental blood trail leading into the open field until he saw the fully nude revelers joining hands while wearing garlands of wildflowers and chanting in Celtic to appease the Triple Goddess before vigorously penetrating one another on the dirt-covered earth. “It kind of sucks because I left my robes and everything at home, so I’m just standing there watching the druid getting his penis hard enough to play the role of the Horned God and I don’t even have a rattle to shake at him. Man, it’s crazy that I almost let the bacchanal pass me by.” At press time, a naked Garrison was spotted throwing his clothes into the flames and approaching the pagans to offer them some of his semen for the upcoming fertility rites.


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