Illustration for article titled Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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Oretsky, who can’t even go five minutes without rubbing everyone’s face in his gratitude for being alive, has reportedly taken every possible opportunity to pat himself on the back for being cancer-free for the first time since 2013.

“Since beating cancer, I feel like I have a new lease on life,” boasted Oretsky during yet another of his unbelievably self-aggrandizing stories about having a normal white blood cell count. “I feel great, and my energy and appetite are back—even just doing mundane things like taking a walk or doing the dishes have this added significance now that I’m healthy.”

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“Mainly, I’m going to focus on making the most of whatever time I have left on earth,” the self-centered showboat continued, once again subjecting everyone within earshot to another one of his overbearing, obnoxious vows not to waste the second chance he’s been given. “When you get through something like this, it really changes your perspective. You understand what’s truly important in life.”

Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise and comfort others who are currently going through the same ordeal he went through.

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Since returning to work last week, the pretentious blowhard has reportedly not been shy about discussing what he vainly refers to as his “journey.” Sources confirmed that, when asked, the egomaniac won’t hesitate to drone on about himself endlessly, talking about how he lost nearly 80 pounds during treatment or how he is just so humbled by the support of his loved ones, barely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.

“At my lowest, it was tough going, for sure,” the out-of-control narcissist said, implying in so many words that everyone should bow down to his greatness for dealing with months of radiation treatments, chemotherapy, and daily medications. “But I would think of my family and how I wasn’t done spending time with them yet. That’s what got me through.”

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Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise and comfort others who are currently going through the same ordeal he went through.

Additionally, Oretsky, who at one point was given a 50-50 chance of survival, has wasted no time ramming his new life goals straight down everyone’s throats. Pompously citing his “clean bill of health,” the smug fuck is said to be incredibly adept at bringing any conversation back around to his selfish plans to travel to Europe, learn another language, and still be around to see his children graduate from college.

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“If this experience has taught me one thing, it’s that we have to live our lives without regret,” said Oretsky, who amazingly was still able to speak, given how far he was up his own ass. “Because one day when you least expect it, it could all be taken away.”

“We only have this one life,” Mr. Look-At-Me-I-Beat-Cancer added, flashing his trademark shit-eating grin. “We have to make the most of it.”

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At press time, the unbearable asshole was asking friends, coworkers, and loved ones to sponsor him for an upcoming cancer walk as though it were a foregone conclusion they’d agree.

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