SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream girl-mouse, but I’m aware that we’d almost certainly have our differences, even after we eventually tied the knot. For one thing, she’s always busy, which is great—I love how engaged she is with the world—but spending quality time with my partner is something I really value,” said Brookeshire, acknowledging that Minnie would probably carry some emotional baggage from her decades-long relationship with Mickey Mouse. “For years, I’ve put her on this pedestal, but what happens the first time I see her in sweatpants on the couch, not even wearing her iconic pink polka-dot bow? I’ve got to temper my expectations a bit, because I’m sure we’d squabble and bicker just like any other interspecies animated/non-animated couple.” At press time, a visibly crestfallen Brookeshire had “put the whole plan on hold” after realizing that Minnie Mouse would never even notice a schlub like him.

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