NORFOLK, NE—Though currently seeking happier and more generous employment, digital marketing analyst Brandon Owens noted Tuesday that, if necessary, he can always fall back on his current job, a litany of misery that pays absolute dogshit. “I’m really lucky to have the opportunity to make calls and put out feelers at my own pace, as I have the security of a shitassed gig that corrodes my soul and compromises my sanity day after day after day,” Owens said of his current horrendous position at StarCore Communications, which pays him virtually nothing beyond his rent, utilities, groceries, and other basic needs. “Finding openings at a better firm can be pretty slow going, which is why it’s so nice to have a shit-encrusted safety net that clogs my brain with completely pointless and frankly insulting work in the meantime. Most other analysts don’t have the privilege of a cold, depressing piss-hole to curl up in and be exploited with near-illegal working hours while searching for work.” Sources confirmed Owens was optimistic concerning his prospects with regard to a recently posted position, a miserable fucking junior-executive ordeal with 5 percent shittier pay located 10 minutes closer to his apartment.

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